i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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