guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Welp...herpes.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just pee around me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
