I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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