So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
