he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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