i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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