Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
