There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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