lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
