I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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