I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
