This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
