How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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