Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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