Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize