i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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