is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
