Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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