His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
