note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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