I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
