Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
