He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
