Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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