I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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