I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
