I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you never un-have a 4some
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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