God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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