I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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