I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
