never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
