Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
