i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
