Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
