No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
