I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize