So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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