Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
