It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
