omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
