I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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