mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Its about making memories worth repressing
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize