someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
