I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
