sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
