Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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