I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
