respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
