highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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