If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
