Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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