Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
