Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize