Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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