So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
