I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
