Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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