i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
