i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
