I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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