if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
